Trump Says Stay at Overpriced Golf Resort “Might” Cure COVID-19

WASHINGTON – At his daily press briefing yesterday, Temporary President Trump suggested that a stay at a few specially selected overpriced golf resorts should be investigated as a potential cure for COVID-19, as it might be the solution to the current worldwide pandemic.

“Look, I’m not a doctor, I know a lot of things about doctors, probably know more than doctors, but I never got a medical degree, never needed one. What could they teach me? Honestly, I should probably teach medical school, be a doctor teacher, and using that, the skills, if I, you know, when, was in medical school, all I’m saying, look, people, have we thought about, sometimes doctors say, get some country air, air cures people, but only some air. You have to go on vacation, probably to a place with really good air, the best resort air. That might be the cure actually. Have we tried that? I mean, if doctors are saying to go to a resort and play golf, and that might be a cure, I know a lot of places, a few very specific places, we should probably try this out. That’s just one thing I’ve heard might work.”

Trump’s detractors were quick to pounce on the statement as a potentially illegal abuse of power that could lead to the deaths of many Americans while funneling private profit into the pockets of the president. Every major news outlet, with the exception of Fox News, condemned the statement as blatantly false and dangerous. Conservatives, however, defended the statement.

“He said ‘might,’ not ‘will.’ He’s just spitballing, throwing out some ideas. He never told anyone to definitely spend money at his resorts as a cure for the Coronavirus,” said one Fox News commentator. “When did it become a crime for the president to try and help out Americans?”

“So as a nurse, I watched the clip about the ‘resorts’ that people keep talking about. Everyone needs to listen closely, and before I say this, I will tell you that I am not registered to vote and I don’t vote. I am neutral. But Trump never mentioned his own resorts, so why are people saying that he did? And it’s true that getting outside is good for people. I don’t understand why people are so quick to jump on this poor innocent man who is only trying to make a difference. Use your brains folks!” posted one woman on Facebook.

The official White House Facebook account posted the “love” reaction to the post, and commented “I am also a nurse, probably a better nurse than you, and you’re right about people needing to stay at my resorts. You said it. Not me. -DT”

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