New UVM Study Shows F-35 Noise Can Be Harvested to Kill Coronavirus

WINOOSKI – UVM announced today that mechanical engineering Professor Carina Firus submitted a paper for peer review and publication in Virology with results of supercomputer simulations showing that loud noise rattles the delicate protein coat of the coronavirus into itty bitty pieces and then rips up the RNA molecule at its core.

UVM President Suresh Garimella, also a mechanical engineer, did a quick back of the envelope calculation combining Firus’s data with the 115 decibel noise level the Air Force said people on the ground below are exposed to as the jet takes off over Winooski. He confirmed that the F-35 noise could indeed be harvested to kill the virus: “The bottom line is that just a dozen F-35 flights low over Winooski each day, even without the afterburner blasting, could keep the square-mile city virus free.

The F-35 is one of the loudest weapons of mass destruction on the planet. The Air Force Environmental Impact Statement says its noise can permanently damage ears and brains. But Firus said “positioning the F-35 in a densely populated area turns out to be a blessing, not a war crime. Surviving Winooski residents, with any hearing and mental capacity remaining, could then safely get back to work.”

When asked how they felt about this possible new plan of action, most Winooski residents replied, “What?”

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