BLOOMFIELD – Despite being the state friendliest to extraterrestrial visitors (Vermont leads the U.S. in UFO sightings), fewer Vermonters are being probed these days, and it’s not just because we’re harder to catch quarantined in our homes. A new policy about capturing and probing humans has put many space creatures out of work, thanks to added restrictions.
“I haven’t probed anyone in over a month,” said QK’lrscx, a squid-like being who runs a human experimentation lab in an underground bunker in Bloomfield. “They said it was only going to be a few weeks, but now they’re saying it could be a year or more. I just don’t know how I’m going to be able to stay in business if that turns out to be the case.”
There is currently no evidence that COVID-19 can be passed from humans to space aliens, but the pan-galactic council, out of an abundance caution, has banned any physical interactions involving human beings from Earth. All observation and study must be done from at least six diaeufghs away, and protective hear must be worn at all times while on the planet.
“I mean come on, I’m in an underground bunker,” protested QK’lrscx. The atmosphere here is extremely regulated to match the conditions on my home planet. And they say I’m supposed to wear all my gear, all the time, even inside? It is literally impossible to get any work done in these bulky suits. And all the stupid gravity isn’t helping either. I’ve have to furlough three employees already, and the two I have left mostly just swim around and watch Netflix with me all day. I get that this is serious, and they don’t want it spreading to other planets, but I think this is all a little overboard.”
Authorities say that restrictions may begin to be lifted once a vaccine is found, or all human life on the planet is erradicated.
“Yeah, that’s all well and good, so either I wait two years for a vaccine, or thirty years for the humans to kill themselves. Either way, I’m out of a krznking job!”