DENVER – The city of Denver, CO, pictured above during the 1998 riots that followed the first Broncos Super Bowl win, has released a statement condemning the current violent protests plaguing our country. The statement has been co-signed by many other US and Canadian cities, urging authorities to crack down hard on any protesters who commit violence in the name of justice, rather than sports.
“We understand the underlying issues at hand,” the statement said, “but cannot see how flipping cars, lighting fires, and stealing televisions is in any way justified, considering that no major sporting event has taken place for months due to the COVID-19 pandemic.”
A poll of Americans showed opinions sharply divided along racial lines, with 93% of non-white citizens choosing “murder, systemic injustice, and racial inequality,” as the only acceptable reason for rioting. Only 14% of white citizens chose that option, with 82% choosing “a team that I do not play on either won or lost something,” as the top reason for people to destroy property and wreak havoc in their communities. A few white people responded that race riots were acceptable, but later changed their answers when the were told that “race riots” do not refer to celebrations following a track and field event.
“There’s no excuse for this!” squeaked Karen Karenina, clutching her pearls tightly as she glanced nervously around the room. “Yes, there are problems, but violence never solves anything! Why can’t we come together as a nation, instead of dividing ourselves like this? Why so much hate? If you answer hate with hate, you only get more hate. I hope the police really take these protesters down, hard. Their divisiveness is hurting the entire world.”
When asked about her 2001 arrest for throwing a Molotov cocktail into a CVS amidst the Denver riots that erupted when the Colorado Avalanche won their second Stanley Cup, she said, “Well that’s different. That was police harassment, one hundred percent. F*** New Jersey! Sakic Rules!”