BURLINGTON – Colleges in Vermont are making rigorous efforts to break up student parties. As the weather gets colder the parties will descend indoors. The challenge to forbid them will become daunting. Thus, the formation of the Burlington Anti-Party Squad (the BAPS).
Rooted in the time-honored tradition of the Ghostbusters, the joint task force will consist of espionage experts from the Burlington Police Department, the FBI, ATF, Champlain College, the University of
Vermont, the Vermont Department of Health and the CDC. They are supplied with a high tech black chevy sedan (contributed from Google’s street view mapping efforts). Their mission is to patrol Burlington streets seeking out parties that violate the social distancing, mask and social
gathering restrictions.
Equipped with no knock warrants authorized under the Patriot Act, BAPS will locate and break up parties. Party goers will be reported to the relevant colleges, and, if applicable, arrested for alcohol and drug violations. BAPS will be equipped with CIA borrowed drones, Proton packs set at special frequency to capture college students, ultra-sensitive sound devices, thermal imaging equipment, camera equipped robots, master keys to every apartment in town, and BITE- a specially trained dog. BITE has been trained not only to sniff out drugs and liquor but identify anyone eighteen to
twenty-one years old.
The ACLU expressed concerned over the violation of privacy rights but acknowledges the public health concerns. A spokesperson for the ACLU stated, “these students are better fulfilling their constitutional rights to party at a southern college like the University of Alabama.”
Leave a Reply