WINOOSKI – After protests by local Abenaki natives, both Vermont and New York have agreed to rename Lake Champlain, erasing the stain of white supremacy and native erasure from the region. The new name will be “Indigenous People’s Lake With Occasional Cyanobacteria Blooms Body Of Water.” The name change, which must be approved by the Federal Legislature, would also apply to the Lake Champlain Basin Commission. The new group would take the name of “Indiginous People’s Lake With Occasional Cyanobacteria Blooms Body Of Water Basin Commission.”
Following a complaints by the activist group ‘Ninth Generational Abenaki Students For Indigenous Restoration And Retro Cultural Historical Restitution,’ who complained that Samuel de Champlain did not discover the lake and has no ancestral claims to it, legislatures on both sides agreed it is time for a change. Particularly since the student group threatened to attack Burlington and Port Kent Harbors with a canoe and kayak blockade.
Law enforcement on both sides of the Lake said there was concern that efforts to break any barricades could result in more protests and lead to defunding, so they have heartily endorsed the renaming.
Professor Pompeii Nusick, who claims a thirty-second generational tie to the regions Indigenous tribes calls the change ‘monumental’ as it sets the stage for renaming at least two of the Great Lakes as well. Nusick, who is the Director/Curator/Preservationist of the Museum of Evolutionary Culturalistisism at Panton Acres University, has volunteered to serve on the newly Renamed Commission.
Ancestors of Samuel de Champlain are calling the decision a low watermark on the part of both Vermont and New York and plan to install French Drains on all tributaries in an effort to drain the lake. Meanwhile the annual Lake Champlain Cyanobacteria Festival for 2021, scheduled for June, has been cancelled due to the COVID-19 Pandemic, and phosphoric leaching from Battery Park in Burlington.
“We’re thrilled with this decision,” local Abenaki leaders said in a statement released online. “Champlain? Really? We were already here when he showed up. He didn’t discover s***!”
Senior staff who helped organize the Environmental Protection Agency in 1970 recall that International Paper was one of the first companies to call upon the brand new agency, because it was being pushed by both New York and Vermont with regard to a discharge of pollution into Lake Champlain. Agricultural and urban runoff from the watershed or drainage basin is the primary source of excess phosphorus, which exacerbates algae blooms in Lake Champlain. The most problematic blooms have been cyanobacteria, commonly called blue-green algae, in the northeastern part of the Lake, primarily Missisquoi Bay .
Yikes… there was a clear path to writing a comedic article here but you missed it. The offensive comments about the Abenaki community were unnecessary and perhaps most importantly, completely unfunny.
That’s fair. We will try to be funnier next time, apologies!