ST. ALBANS – It all began at 12:106 AM, with a typically muddled tweet from the resident of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. The message itself seemed clear enough. Reading simply “Despite the negative press covfefe,” the actual meaning of this very correct and intentional message was not immediately known due to the lack of a comma after the word ‘press’ and the failure to capitalize the last name.
“Yeah, it was a shock to me,” says St. Albans resident Bill Covfefe, who was woken up by phone calls at 12:30, and then continually questioned by reporters and pundits throughout the night and into the early morning. “I had no idea he was announcing my appointment via twitter, although it is so him that I oughtta have figured. [sic]”
The tweet should have read “Despite the negative press, Covfefe.” But what position will Covfefe fill? There are a large number of openings in Washington, and many more expected to open up in the coming days and weeks. Could Covfefe, a bartender at Durty Nelly’s Irish Pub, be tapped for FBI director? Communications Director? Next Supreme Court Justice? Covfefe is not talking.
“I’d love to tell you, honestly I would,” Covfefe says, “but I think it’s classified. Or, as classified as anything is these days. And, to be honest, I’m not 100% sure. I met the guy golfing in February, and he said he’d hook me up. He mentioned a lot of different possibilities. I assumed he’d tell me before he announced it, but hey, he’s the president.”
When asked about the negative press mentioned in the tweet, Covfefe said only, “He’s just getting ahead of himself. The negative press will come as soon as people find out about, ummm, actually, nevermind. I forget. You guys want a drink?”