SPRINGFIELD – In a feat that will be remembered for the rest of recorded history, a group of astronomers broke into the NASA-run slave colony on Mars and returned this week with all of the children that Donald Trump had been keeping there. Touching down in Springfield, VT just two weeks before the annual Stellafane Convention is set to begin, as amateur astronomers assembled tents, telescopes, and tables in preparation for the big event, three heroes landed in their midst with a capsule full of children.
“It’s crazy,” said astronomer and rescue leader Whizz Dipley. “Normally we just look at space, but now we’ve actually been there.” Dipley helped construct the rocket that took the astronomers to Mars in an astonishing twenty-three hour round-trip flight.
“As soon as Whiz heard Alex Jones mention that NASA was keeping a child slave colony on Mars, he told us we were going to do something about it,” said astronomer-cum-astronaut Mary Shunn. “Whiz wasn’t going to let those kids rot up there making iPhones or whatever. He said ‘Mary, we’re going to design a rocket that’s better than NASA’s rocket, and we’re going to do it today,’ and how could I refuse?”
Dipley and Shunn called in amateur astronomer and professional engineer Blitz Johnson to help with the design. Johnson, a former game show host, came through for them and in less than twenty-four hours the three astronomers were on their way to Mars. “Hi, I’m Blitz Johnson,” said Johnson, “and I just flew to Mars to save kids. Blitz Johnson!”
“There wasn’t much security once we got there,” recalls Dipley, “on account of they didn’t think anybody could really get to Mars. But they hadn’t counted on Mary and Blitz and me. Blitz just started punching NASA scientists like crazy while Mary got the kids out and into the rocket. Once we got them all in I started up the engine and we were on our way home. And of course I set a heading for Stellafane. We wouldn’t miss it. Vermont is beautiful.”
As astronomers from around the country start to pour in to the green mountain state, this rescue will certainly be the talk of the convention. The children are being reunited with their parents, and tearful goodbyes are flowing between victims and rescuers. Nothing sums it up better than the words of one rescued girl, who whispered as she walked away, “Astronomers are the best people ever.”
Image Credits: Stellafane.