Trump Pardons All Those Who Voted For Him

WASHINGTON, DC – In a stunning move, sure to be greeted with relief by the 95,369 Vermonters whom this directly affects, President Trump has pardoned anyone who cast a ballot for him during the 2016 election cycle. White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters today that “The president knows people are nervous. Almost 63 million people in this country voted for him, and there is no doubt in anyone’s mind that future generations will want to prosecute those heinous crimes against humanity. But the president has their backs. He said he would be there for them, and he’s following through on his promise. And frankly, I don’t know why you’re giving me that look. Why don’t you shut up and look at the floor before I call security?”

When asked if President Trump would be pardoning himself for leaking classified information, attempting to murder low-income Americans who have pre-existing conditions, inciting riots, nepotism, failing to divest, or slandering everyone who has ever crossed him, reporters were told that he doesn’t feel the need to be pardoned. “Look, the president hasn’t done anything wrong,” Sanders said. “He told America exactly what kind of guy he was, and they basically gave him their permission to do what he does best, which is be angry and mean, bend rules, and fail. America is his boss, and they gave him the okay. He doesn’t feel that he has anything to apologize for. This corruption goes all the way to the top, and the top is you, America.”

The White House was quick to deny rumors that it would also be pardoning the almost 70 million Americans who voted for President Obama in 2008. “Do you know how many innocent people that guy killed with his drone strikes?” Sanders asked reporters. “No, you don’t. They don’t even know. Nobody knows. Thousands. You’re all murderers, so don’t pretend you’re better than me. And you guys aren’t getting pardoned, either. We’re coming for you next.”

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