SOUTH CANADA – Following weeks of intense speculation, the United States government has officially recognized the former Vermont town of Richford as a new sovereign nation according to a tweet from the president last night. The tweet, which was posted at 1:42 AM, reads:
Heard some VT town wants to leave the country. Good riddance! We’ll see whose country is better. South Canada is a dumb name. #quitters
Richford voted to secede from the U.S. earlier in August and recently chose the name “South Canada” for their new nation. Vermont state officials said they would honor the president’s tweet and officially remove Richford from all state records as soon as possible. Most Vermonters seemed ambivalent about this news, not knowing exactly where Richford was in the first place. Those most likely to be affected are the people who use the border crossings at Routes 139 and 105A. How the border will now be handled remains to be seen. Richford residents themselves have mixed feelings about the tweet-nouncement.
“Huh. So that’s it then, I guess,” said Angela Washington, who both works and lives in what is now South Canada. “I mean, I know we voted and everything, but I never thought that the government would, you know, actually let us do it. I figured it was more of a protest vote kind of thing. I mean, I’m the manager of the post office. What do I do now? Are we still open? Am I still getting paid?”
“My presidential campaign is going well,” former town clerk Alan Fletcher told reporters. “I heard a rumor that Hillary Clinton was going to move here and run for president of South Canada, but I haven’t seen her anywhere, and I don’t think her name is on the ballot. We were supposed to have elections this week, but not enough people knew about it, so we moved them to next Tuesday. The only person running against me is Skunk Bedard, and I’m not scared of her.”
South Canada will be holding its first elections next week for President, as well as for five members of their new Congress. A constitution is currently being drawn up, the ratification of which will be the first item on the incoming Congress’ to-do list. The Winooski’s latest polling right now shows Alan E. Fletcher at 38% and Charlene “Skunk” Bedard at 57%, with 5% undecided and a 3% margin of error.