Department of Homeland Security Enlists Aid of Vermont Newspapers to Build Mexican Paywall

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Several Vermont newspapers have been asked this week to assist the Department of Homeland Security in the construction of the border wall between Mexico and the United States. The wall, which played a prominent role in the president’s election campaign, has been re-imagined as a paywall, and not a physical wall as so many had once assumed.

“Look,” Trump told reporters via an unsecured video text that was sent via the Marco Polo app on his phone, “I know a lot about walls, and this is going to be better. You thought a brick wall was going to be tough? Brother, you ain’t seen tough, and believe me, I know tough. I’ve seen walls that you’ve never even heard of, many types of walls, Italian walls, whatever, the point is, you can get through every kind of wall you were thinking of. But not the kind I’m thinking of. You ever try to read an article on the internet after your number of free articles is up? You can’t do it. That’s a wall you can’t get through. A paywall. That’s the kind of wall that, yes, and you know Mexicans are poor, so they can’t pay to get through the wall. And I’m not saying that Mexicans are poor. I never said that. Some are, some are, you said that, not me, but some are good guys. And they will pay to get through the wall, and we get only the good ones over here, and the best part is, the Mexicans have paid for it. It’s genius, and the guy that came up with it is a genius, and I should know genius, because I’m the guy who came up with it.”

The Burlington Free Press confirmed that, as a member of the USA Today newspaper network, they have been asked to assist in the design of the virtual wall. They have not confirmed whether or not they will be assisting, only that they have been asked. The Rutland Herald was also asked to participate in the project, with Trump bragging that he “could very easily find ways of getting around the New York Times’ paywall, very bad paywall,” but that he was unable to breach the paywall of the Herald, despite spending over four minutes trying to read an article that he thought was about himself, but which research showed to be about the search for the next president of Castleton University.

Many Vermonters who oppose any sort of wall, pay or otherwise, on the Mexican border have threatened to boycott the newspapers if such assistance is provided, but The Rutland Herald claims it is not worried about a boycott, since “no one reads newspapers anymore anyway.”

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