SOUTH CANADA – Despite officially recognizing the former town of Richford, VT as the new nation of South Canada, the United States has banned all travel both into and out of the small country. Relations remain frosty between the two nations as sources inside the White House have leaked that President Trump sees the secession as an embarrassment. South Canadian Secretary of State Angela Washington has reached out to U.S. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, hoping for some clarification on the ban, but Tillerson has said only that his job is “confusing” and he “doesn’t know most of the rules yet.”
“Look, I tried to be diplomatic and s***,” Washington said at a press conference Wednesday afternoon. “I told that guy we didn’t want no problems with him, and he better just sit down and focus his energies on getting right with God. He does not have much time left on this here earth, and he spent most of his life creating misery and death. I think we the least of his problems.” Secretary of State Washington was the former manager of the now defunct Richford Post Office, and was appointed by South Canadian President Bedard for her knowledge of international shipping rates.
Trump has responded to Washington’s press conference by imposing a Hockey tariff, apparently confusing South Canada with regular Canada. South Canada has no hockey exports, or exports of any kind.
The ban has gone largely unnoticed, with only one person prevented from leaving the tiny nation. South Canadian Secretary of the Treasury Alan Fletcher was stopped by U.S. ICE agents early this morning and returned home when confronted. He did not provide specific details as to why he was attempting to cross into the United States, but claimed only that he was looking for his former secretary who he believes may be lost. The ICE agents say that he tried to give them dirt in exchange for safe passage, but when they refused his offer he left of his own volition.
Image Credits: Russ Nelson.
South Canada, South Canada, how tiny is your footprint
Your lofty hills, your unpaid bills,
The clay that forms your new mint
I long to see thy glory strong
but I bet that it won’t be long
Before you apply for foreign aid
From the nation you used to belong
Warning to all travelers to and from South Canada! US ICE officials have been searching cell phones and deleting any image that shows South Canadians smiling, eating creemees, mooning their North Vermontistan neighbors, or otherwise living normal lives. Please report incidents such as these to the Vermont ACLU and to The Winooski.