Dihydrogen Monoxide Contamination in Lake Champlain

COLCHESTER – A new study released this week confirms that Lake Champlain is severely contaminated with dihydrogen monoxide, and likely has been for some time. The survey of the water table found that every single river and stream in the Lake Champlain Watershed contained significant amounts of the compound, although when examining some dried up former stream beds there seemed to be no evidence of contamination detected.

Dihydrogen monoxide is considered a dangerous compound that can be lethal to humans in large quantities, especially when inhaled into the lungs. Researchers confirmed that the levels of dihydrogen monoxide found in Lake Champlain are more than enough to kill a human being, and had harsh words for the state regarding the lake’s safety.

“This has been going on for years,” lamented Colchester-based environmentalist Walter Mellon, “and no one has done a thing about it. Warning signs have been ignored, the public has been kept in the dark, and the levels continue to remain catastrophically high. At this point it may be too little, too late. There is so much dihydrogen monoxide in Lake Champlain that the only way it could get any worse is if it started falling from the sky.”

Calls to the Vermont Department of Health were not returned.