Jason Corliss Wins 55th Vermont Milk Bowl, Becomes Governor

BARRE – Tensions were high on Sunday afternoon at the Thunder Road race track in Barre, as racers competed to win the governorship of Vermont. Former Vermont Governor Phil Scott had foolishly bet the elected office on the race, and was stunned on Saturday when he failed to even qualify for Sunday’s race. With Scott himself out of the running, drivers raced like mad around the track, setting new lap records in the process.

“I was this close to becoming governor,” lamented 2nd-place winner Trampas Demers of South Burlington, who lost the lead to Corliss with just a few laps to go. “When Phil didn’t get a spot, we knew that whoever won would get the job, and I didn’t really want the job, but I sure as heck didn’t want Jason getting it either. He’s not going to be a very good governor.”

Many Vermonters were surprised that such a prominent elected position could be gambled away like that with no due process whatsoever, but equally as many citizens felt that “He’s the governor, he can do what he wants,” according to an unscientific survey posted on our website.

“I just want to thank Phil for giving me that extra bit of incentive that I needed,” Corliss told the press after the race. “I’m pretty stoked to be governor. The first thing I’m going to do is enjoy some cold ones with my buddies, and we’re going to think up some cool s*** for the state to do. I think you’ve seen me get results on the track, and I’ll get results in Montpelier too. Buckle your seatbelts, it’s going to be pretty sweet.”

Representatives for Phil Scott had no comment.