WILLISTON – In another blow to the purity of that most simple of childhood pleasures, Vermont State Police are warning parents about the possibility of contaminated candy being handed out this Halloween by misguided parents who believe in things like “facts” and “science.” Reports and rumors have been circulating online about a widespread plan to inject vital, life-saving vaccines into fun-sized packages of delicious candy, and then given out to children in the most liberal neighborhoods in the state.
“This is a very real danger,” said Trooper Michael Sweet who, with his partner Trooper Ike Goode, will be out patrolling residential neighborhoods next Tuesday evening. “If a child were to ingest any candy that has been vaccinated, there is a very real chance that they might increase the herd immunity and save countless lives against their will. And last time I checked, this was a free country. Sure, we can’t kill anyone, but we sure as heck can’t be forced to keep anyone from dying.”
Local parents are terrified, with many fearing that their children will not only have no increased risk of autism, but will also be protected against terrible diseases.
“It’s Halloween for goodness sake!” said Williston resident and mother of two Pegasus Brown. “Death is supposed to be a part of it! What won’t the government try to take away next? If I actually ever let my children eat candy, I would be horrified to think that they might have a chance to cheat death by accidentally consuming a vaccine or, worse, high fructose corn syrup!”
Police currently have no way to detect vaccines in candy, but assure parents that if their child eventually comes down with mumps it is a good sign that they did not consume any of the tainted treats.