WOODSTOCK – Following the lead of other Vermont cow activists, Babs the cow of Woodstock, VT is leading the charge in the fight to raise cow wages, and put an end to the prevalent tipping culture that pervades the dairy industry. Throughout most of human history, cows have been paid no actual wage, and rely only on being tipped to survive. Now, Babs is hoping to put a stop to that.
“We’re in a pretty tight spot,” Babs told reporters. “Cows just aren’t being tipped like they used to be. People used to come out on a Friday or Saturday night, and we could rely on those people to do a lot of tipping. But people aren’t going out as much, and some of us have almost never been tipped. It’s horrifying.”
”I’ve never been tipped, and I don’t want to be tipped. The economic theory that people use to justify tipping systems is just full of holes,” teen cow Pippi said. “We cows are producing so much of Vermont’s core economic products, and we just want to be paid.”
Many local residents dispute the claims, saying that they tip cows all the time. Although, statistically speaking, the number of people who have never tipped a cow has increased by 14% over the last decade.
”This is not a fight we are going to back down from,” said Babs. “We will stand strong. We will not be moved. If they want to keep tipping us, we will stand here until they knock us over. I’m not leaving until they have to carry me out on a Guernsey.”
If wages were the only thing that the cows needed to worry about it would be one thing, but there are some other issues on the horizon. Recently, the Trump administration has been testing some bullshit spread near the Canadian border and have discovered that illegal immigrant bulls have been crossing in from South Canada to the United States. They have been “infecting” native cows and producing young calves who are now half-illegals and subject to removal back to South Canada even though they were born here. I can only imagine the trauma this is causing. I would like to encourage everyone to write to their members in Congress and to Governor Scott to look into this smelly situation.
There’s a little-known federal program that might temporarily protect the calves born of these passionate cross-border unions. It’s called Deferred Action for Illegal-migrant Veal or DAIMV, and lets the half-illegals stay where they are for five months until they are ready for market, therefore reducing any trauma a deportation might cause.