Local Cows Fight to Raise Wages and End Tipping

WOODSTOCK – Following the lead of other Vermont cow activists, Babs the cow of Woodstock, VT  is leading the charge in the fight to raise cow wages, and put an end to the prevalent tipping culture that pervades the dairy industry.  Throughout most of human history, cows have been paid no actual wage, and rely only on being tipped to survive. Now, Babs is hoping to put a stop to that.

“We’re in a pretty tight spot,” Babs told reporters. “Cows just aren’t being tipped like they used to be.  People used to come out on a Friday or Saturday night, and we could rely on those people to do a lot of tipping. But people aren’t going out as much, and some of us have almost never been tipped. It’s horrifying.”

”I’ve never been tipped, and I don’t want to be tipped.  The economic theory that people use to justify tipping systems is just full of holes,” teen cow Pippi said. “We cows are producing so much of Vermont’s core economic products, and we just want to be paid.”

Many local residents dispute the claims, saying that they tip cows all the time.  Although, statistically speaking, the number of people who have never tipped a cow has increased by 14% over the last decade.

”This is not a fight we are going to back down from,” said Babs. “We will stand strong. We will not be moved.  If they want to keep tipping us, we will stand here until they knock us over.  I’m not leaving until they have to carry me out on a Guernsey.”