Vermont Senate Too High To Pass Marijuana Legalization Bill

MONTPELIER – After easily passing the Vermont House last week with 81-63 in favor, a new measure that would legalize possession of small amounts of marijuana was unable to make it through the state Senate after the upper chamber became too high to get anything done. Police are not making any arrests at this time, believing that the incident was caused by a “contact high” when dozens of pro-marijuana demonstrators flooded the chamber, reeking of the substance in question.

Senate President Lt. Gov. Dave Zuckerman tried to call the meeting to order so that a discussion could begin on the controversial measure, but dissolved into a fit of giggles and had to be relieved by President pro tempore Tim Ashe, who made it almost twenty seconds before joining Zuckerman on the ground, laughing so hard he was unable to speak.

Minority leader Joe Benning, R-Caledonia, assumed the podium and began whispering loudly that the government was coming to take his guns. It was then pointed out to Benning by Becca Balint, D-Windham, that he was the government. This led to Benning hiding under a chair and screaming for eleven minutes straight.

Alice Nitka, D-Windsor, began harassing Alison Clarkson, D-Windsor, following her around and saying, “AliSON. AliSON. Alice-UN. Un-Alice? ANTI-Alice? The opposite of Alice?!” Nitka reportedly told members of the press that Clarkson was her doppelganger from another dimension sent here to kill and replace her, although this theory was unconfirmed at press time and the two seemed to be on better terms again after the session ended.

Phil Baruth, D-Chittenden, called for a vote on the bill, voted yes, declared it passed by a vote of 1-0, and then folded the bill into a paper airplane and ran out of the room, telling his fellow Senators that he was sending it to Gov. Scott for signing via air mail.

With the bill gone from the chamber, Mark MacDonald, D-Orange, declared the session adjourned by whacking a gavel on as many tables as he could reach while Randy Brock, R-Franklin, ordered two dozen pizzas and asked the press not to “tell the taxpayers.” The Senate will reconvene again on Friday morning and is expected to resume discussion on the bill.

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