BURLINGTON – After careful consideration and many weeks of deliberating, The Winooski has chosen to make its first official political endorsement. A thoughtful period of examination and discernment has led us to unanimously endorse you for mayor of Burlington, VT. Yes, you.
Current mayor Miro Weinberger has had his chance, and all he has done is improve the financial stability of the city, promote growth, and do other unseemly things. It’s not all about money! Jeezum Crow! You know this, and you also know that, were you in his shoes, you would have done a much better job and made better decisions at every step of the way. We know this too. We think you should be mayor.
Weinberger’s biggest challenger is Carina Driscoll, but is she seriously going to do a better job than you? First she says Bernie is not involved with her campaign, then he is doing fundraisers for her, already there are political games going on. You would never play those games. Honestly, you’re the only person we trust. And she can’t decide if she wants to fix CEDO or BCA? Come on. We need someone decisive who knows what needs to be done. We need you.
And of course we have Infinite Culcleasure, the left’s version of Donald Trump. Not a lot of experience, but says all the extreme things they want to hear, even though they would never work. He wants all those angry and apathetic people who never vote to come to the polls next month. Not good. We’ve seen this before. And seriously? He wants to bring the power back to the people? More local and district power? That is a terrible idea, guaranteed to bring the gears of our bureaucracy to a grinding halt. We need one strong leader to run this city the way it needs to be run, and that leader is you.
Think about it. Who has better ideas than you? Who knows how things should be done better than you? Who is better able to discern what is important? Who is smarter and stronger and funnier and more attractive? That’s right, nobody. Let’s face it, you’re the only person for the job. When town meeting day arrives in Burlington, please write your own name in. It’s the only way to save the city from all those idiots who keep screwing it up.
You for mayor. Because everyone else is dumb.