BURLINGTON – A 2 AM shooting in downtown Burlington left residents upset and frightened, and many of them were looking to blame the gun itself for the act of violence. Police have not released any information on why the shooter may have fired into the crowd at Nectar’s and hospitalized one woman, but the gun used in the incident has made a statement asking that it not be held responsible.
“Look, I don’t kill people,” the gun told reporters. “People kill people. The guy that pulled the trigger? It’s his fault, not mine. I’m as upset about this as anybody, but I certainly don’t condone violence or murder. It’s not my fault I was born a gun. Leave me out of this.”
When questioned about the weapon’s statement, the unidentified shooter explained that he was also not at fault, because his girlfriend had recently broken up with him, and if she had not done so then he never would have fired the gun into the people gathered at Nectar’s in the first place.
The girlfriend was questioned, but she explained very clearly that what she had done was her parents’ fault, for telling her to break up with the shooter after they claimed he was unstable. But her parents denied culpability, telling the press that their own parents raised them in such a way as to make a different decision impossible. The grandparents were happy to answer questions, gladly confirming that they were also not responsible for the shooting, as their decisions were the fault of a previous generation as well.
The Winooski was able to research the history of blame, tracing its origins back through the centuries to the first act of violence ever recorded, and we questioned the man most likely responsible for the recent shooting. Cain Adamson told us that he did in fact murder his brother, but it wasn’t his fault. He only committed the act because of poor decisions his parents made that led to an eviction and a hard childhood. Cain’s father admitted to being evicted, but explained that he was not at fault. He claimed his wife had committed a theft and that he had no idea the food he was eating was stolen because she had assured him that it was fine.
Eve categorically denied responsibility for the Nectar’s shooting, saying that she had been given fake news by a serpent who turned out to be a Russian bot. The serpent-bot would not accept the blame, however, saying that if God hadn’t kicked him out of heaven he never would have been down with Eve in the first place. God was unavailable for comment, but a representative from heaven said that maybe we should use our free will to think about our relationship with guns. The gun has not responded to this statement, but sources close to the gun say we will hear from it again soon.