WASHINGTON, DC – Attorney General Jeff Sessions is suing the State of Vermont Maple Industry, alleging the state’s proprietary claims violate Federal Law.
“This is ludicrous,” cried Matthew Gordon, Executive Director of the Vermont Maple Sugar Makers’ Association. The Vt. Legislature was holding hearings in Montpelier in light of the recent law suit. “The basis for AG Sessions’ suit is dumb, insane, stupid,” claimed Gordon.
In the brief introducing the law suit, Mr. Sessions quoted both the Constitution and the Scriptures. Article I, Section. 8 of Amendment X grants to the Congress “Power to regulate Commerce with foreign Nations, and among the several States, and with the Indian Tribes.” Mr. Sessions’ tone was adamant as he pounded on the lectern. “And besides,” he continued, “America’s Bible clearly states ‘the rain falls on everybody, not just the people of the State of Vermont.” Theologians believe Mr. Sessions was paraphrasing (loosely) Matthew 5:45, though there was uncertainty as to the relevance of the quote.
The heart of the Federal Suit states that Vermont has “no right to a proprietary claim that any maple syrup or product derived therefrom can legally be sustained. The rains and snows that fall in Vermont originate elsewhere. Thus, there is no such thing as ‘Vermont Maple Syrup.’ It is more accurately ‘United States Maple Syrup’. In a news conference after filing the law suit, Sessions told reporters: “We are fulfilling our ‘Make America Great Again’ pledge – the pledge that got Donald Trump elected. Weather migrates from one state to the next. No state has the right to claim any weather-dependent commodity as its own.”
“This is just Sessions sucking up to Trump, trying to do something to get on his good side,” said Gordon. Representatives from neighboring New Hampshire believe the law suit is “credible”. Officials in New York and Canada were still examining the details of the suit. No representatives from the “Indian Tribes” could be located.