United States Transfers NATO Membership to South Canada

SOUTH CANADA – The North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) has a new member, although the number of countries involved has not changed. Despite a recent rejection, South Canada joined the military alliance this week after a surprising move from the White House.

Previously denied membership in January due to “small military,” and “not being a real country,” the tiny nation of South Canada was in the process of appealing that decision when an unlikely ally emerged: Donald Trump.

“Look, I’m a good guy,” Trump said at one of his many recent 2020 campaign rallies. Ask anyone and they’ll tell you. I’m probably the greatest guy in history, and once history gets done with, which I think will be soon, believe me, you’ll be able to look back and see that, of all the guys, pretty much, in terms of greatness, which is why, for instance, and look at NATO! Total joke. But if South Canada wants to join, let them be stupid, am I right? I’m not stupid. I’m actually the smartest president of all the presidents, and that’s true. That’s actually true. It’s a fact. Not fake news. But seriously folks, South Canada is a stupid country, but I’m a good guy, so I gave them my membership. And actually, I did meet President Skunk, and I like her. I like her a lot. Great president. Great country, South Canada. I’ve never said a bad thing about South Canada in my life.”

President Trump reportedly went to U.S. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson, armed with a pen, some Wite-Out, and the NATO treaty originally signed by Dean Acheson. Within minutes the treaty page had been amended and was signed by South Canadian Secretary of State Angela Washington. Trump then quickly fired Tillerson, replacing him with Mike Pompeo after loudly saying to no one in particular that if anyone gets mad about this, it was all Rex.

“This is really exciting,” Washington said after the signing. “I never thought they’d let us in, but now we don’t have to even apply! It’s like when I used to use my Mom’s Costco card all the time. I just need to figure out if I need to get my own NATO card, or if I can just keep using Donald Trump’s card for a while until it’s time to renew. But I’ll tell you right now, I am not prepared to have my picture taken today for that card, so if I need to do that it’s gonna have to wait.”

There has been, as of this writing, no official response from Sec. Gen. Stoltenberg.