God Participates in National School Walkout Day

WINOOSKI – In a major blow to the gun lobby, the NRA, and congressional Republicans, God has come out in support of increased gun legislation and has joined in the National School Walkout scheduled for today, March 14. After Vermont’s Secretary of Education Rebecca Holcombe sent out a memo advising students not to participate in the protest, God stepped in and closed almost every school in the state by way of a massive blizzard.

This move represents a major position shift for God, who until recently had been assumed to be on the side of conservative Christians. A spokesman for God denies any connection with the evangelical church movement in the United States, saying that most of their statements about God were “heresay” and that if it didn’t sound loving, it wasn’t from God.

An NRA spokesman denounced the snow that blanketed much of the northeast, claiming that God had betrayed the organization. “God is love, and we love guns. I don’t think it can be clearer than that. God says we’re not loving? Well we’ve had enough of God’s lies. If you’re not with us, you’re against us. God? Your time is running out. And the clock starts now.”

“God isn’t really concerned with threats from the NRA,” the angel proclaimed. “Someone’s time is running out, that’s for sure. But God invented time. Their power is absolute. They’re not worried about it.”