Bed Bath & Beyond Loses 1500 Undocumented Customers

WILLISTON – A recent report by Bed Bath & Beyond store manager Anne Seagate claims that the big box store in Williston has lost almost 1500 undocumented customers, and Vermonters are demanding action. The reports suggests that these customers have potentially been sold into slavery, murdered, both, or worse. Some are calling the information “inflammatory” and “misleading,” but Seagate stands by her report.

“When people come to us from the parking lot they’re seeking safety, an asylum from the darker world outside our doors, and once they’re inside they are put on our mailing list for unbelievable coupons. And I think we can all agree that the most important thing is that we know where those customers are at all times. Who can you trust more than big business to look out for you? But recently we have had customers come in who are not on our mailing list, and worse is that when we did get information for those customers, that information turned out to be not accurate. E-mails are bouncing back, phone calls are not returned, it’s terrifying. A few people even removed themselves from our mailing list! I can only assume the worst. These people, who we now have no way of tracking, are probably being held hostage by drug lords and used for nefarious purposes. They need our help to get back into the system.”

The question of whether or not Bed Bath & Beyond should have so much data on their customers has been posed by some activists, but their voices were shouted down by liberal protesters yelling “Think of the customers!” and “These are CUSTOMERS we’re talking about here!” and who demanded Bed Bath & Beyond be held accountable for their horrific mishandling of the missing consumers.

“I’m actually not missing,” said one customer who declined to give his name. “I got into the store like I wanted, I got what I needed, they let me go out with my wife, who is documented by the way, judging from the number of coupons we’ve got stuck up on the fridge, so I don’t know why they need my info too. And honestly, I’m not answering when they call. My assumption is they’re going to try to get me back on that stupid list, and once you’re there you’re trapped forever.”

Authorities seem mostly unconcerned over the missing customers, and have suggested that protesters may be conflating two different issues. There is definite concern over that fact that Bed Bath & Beyond has been separating children from their parents and placing them in foster homes, in holding facilities, and on military bases, but this should not be confused with their missing customers, most of whom do not wish to have large blue coupons following them for the rest of their lives.

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