BURLINGTON – Once again famed local Vermont satire site The Winooski has been shut out of the annual “Seven Daysies” awards presented by the Seven Days newspaper organization. The Seven Days offices were flooded with angry callers and protesters (we assume) after it was revealed that no satire category was even offered to voters. This is the nth year in which no satire category was offered, where n is equal to the number years the awards have been in existence.
“Look, our categories are set,” said some guy that answered the phone when we called pretending to be a concerned citizen. “And even if they weren’t, we have some requirements for adding categories. It is useful to our readers? Are there at least three potential nominees? How Vermonty is it?”
This clearly shows enormous prejudice against The Winooski, as the site is extremely Vermonty, is probably the most useful site in the state, excluding sites that provides services, goods, or factual information, and there are plenty of other satire purveyors that could potentially be on the ballot. One satirist that comes to mind is Seven Days‘ own Bryan Parmalee, who (maybe) convinced the paper to keep satire off the ballot because he is (probably) afraid of losing to The Winooski. This seems very plausible. And what about those satire guys that are really political spies from California? We could beat them too! That’s three right there! And that’s not counting twitter satirists like @VTFakeHeadlines among others! This cannot stand!
The impartial editorial staff of The Winooski advises Seven Days to reconsider its categories for next year, unless it is too scared, which it probably is. So, uh, please add satire anyway. Thank you for your consideration.