SHELDON – “I knew right away it was a holy cow, when I first saw it shining over there a month ago!” enthused Ima Steer of Second Dairy, who shared exclusive night-vision photos with The Winooski, “See? You can see the stars that make up every body part, even the udders!”
Peter, Ima’s son, confirmed the sighting saying, “Look at that bunch of stars by the heifer’s butt! The sky-cow is pooping! We have literal b.s.!”
Ida’s husband Hoss is already setting up tables with cow star merchandise and is hoping to sell tickets to anyone wanting to wander his fields at night. “I’ll bet we can get a steady stream of tourists out to see this cown-stellation! This’ll be the biggest thing since Farmer Greene saw Ethan Allen in his crop circles!”
When reached for comment, Greene said, “Jeezum crow! or more like Jeezum cow!”
Buck Dollar, spokesman for the Vermont Department of Tourism, verified, “Yup. That cow’s a star all right. Here’s hoping she hangs around a while; good for the economy.”
The economy seems to be moving along nicely, as busloads of flatlanders are steadily arriving to view the celestial event. “This is as close as I’ve been to an actual cow, except for seeing on YouTube,” said one Californian, standing several yards away from an actual cow. “Yeah, that shiny milker makes me wanna get all religious and start praying.”
Of course, not everyone is thrilled. Stella Luxe, host of VPR’s popular “Night Lights” radio program, noted a decline in listenership coinciding with the appearance of the starry beast. “We tell out listeners each night to get out there and look at the stars, but we meant after the show was over! So we would like to remind everyone that you can turn us on in the car on your way to see the holy cow, and the best way to support local astronomy is by becoming a sustaining member.”
Leave a Reply