MONTPELIER – If you think it’s safe to assume you’ll have cell phone service while driving down that dusty back road towards that lone gas station with the outdated pumps and the creepy local attendant, you may want to think again. Thanks to lobbyists who represent several of the major film companies responsible for most of the recent horror/slasher films, the state of Vermont has agreed to pull cell phone coverage from some of its most rural areas.
Communities who until now have relied on CoverageCo (a name which we did not make up) will have until the end of next month to find new providers, despite the non-existence of alternatives. This move will affect up to 26 rural communities, in additional to the back roads, wooded areas, and other potentially creepy areas that will now leave customers digitally stranded.
“Horror movies just don’t work when people are connected,” said lobbyist Jason Meyers. “The world isn’t a scary place when we’re connected to each other. If you want to get someone to live in fear, you have to disconnect them from the people around them, make them feel unsafe. And then they are easier to manipulate. This is one area that horror movie directors and politicians can agree on, and I’m glad we could come to an agreement here. When there is cell phone service everywhere, our films just aren’t believable. But now I think people will be able to sit back and relax as groups of teenagers are horrifically tortured and murdered in front of them.”
The Vermont Department of Public Service has said that they would be open to a new arrangement with another rural cell phone service provider, provided that the service is as spotty and inconsistent as the other companies we already know and love. Until then, Vermonters are encouraged to use landlines while hiking or driving.