BURLINGTON – UVM fraternity Iota Rho Alpha’s latest rager has forced them to file bankruptcy, sources report. While other frat houses fill their kegs with cheap beers like Keystone Light, Natty Light, or whatever unidentifiable brown liquid they find collecting in their basements after several days of rain, Iota Rho Alpha decided to splurge and stock their kegs with limited edition craft ales from Foam Brewery. Unfortunately, they wildly underestimated how f***ing expensive Foam is, and have now burned through their entire allotted budget within the first week of the school year.
“It’s a bummer,” said chapter president Sid Trishops. “We had such big plans for this year. But if I have to choose between bankruptcy and polluting my veins with nasty piss beer, I’ll take bankruptcy every time.”
For the party, Iota Rho Alpha brothers supplied three kegs, one filled with Quantum Caterpillar, a triple IPA flavored with rosemary, radish, and lychee berries, another filled with Radioactive Jukebox Cracker, a sour ale with notes of mango, Worcestershire sauce, and Miracle Whip, and a third filled with Captain Ahab’s Kryptonite, a Belgian white ale infused with anchovy paste and chewing tobacco.
Filling the kegs proved a bit complicated, as Foam does not sell kegs. However, Iota Rho Alpha was unfazed by this setback and instead bought three kegs of Natty light, dumped out the contents, purchased ninety four-packs of Foam, then proceeded to individually pour each can into the kegs.
“Yeah, it took a while,” said Trishops. “But anything worth doing is worth doing right.”
At the party, Iota Rho Alpha’s very fancy kegs received mixed reviews.
“I know doing a keg stand with a super-hoppy, triple IPA sounds fun in theory,” said freshman UVM student Mitchell Lobb. “Actually, it doesn’t even sound fun in theory. It sounds like a terrible idea, which is what it was. I don’t think my digestive system will ever be the same.”
“I know it’s supposed to be one of the best beers in Vermont, but that sour ale just tasted like straight vinegar,” said UVM junior Anne Hauser.
“Eh, it was fine,” said super-senior Cora Ona. “But I’ll drink pretty much any beer you give me. They really could’ve just stuck to PBR.”
Although their frat is now broke, the brothers of Iota Rho Alpha don’t seem too worried.
“It’s all good,” said senior Iota Rho Alpha member Mark Porter. “My parents will just bail us out. That’s what’s happened the last three times our frat went bankrupt. Plus, we have a surprising amount of leftover beer so, if nothing else, we can just live off that for a while.”
Image Credits: weaselspace.
Leave a Reply