KINGS LANDING – Mutiple individuals have come forward over recent months, claiming that they were sexually assaulted, tortured, beheaded, or otherwise attacked by Joffrey Baratheon, member of the royal family and super-beloved guy who for sure never did anything wrong according to everyone here at The Winooski, and please tell him we said that. But now a court has aquitted Baratheon of all crimes, alleged or proven, due to the simple fact that he was only seventeen at the time the crimes were supposedly committed. In a partisan decision, every Lannister on the jury voted to aquit Baratheon, while the five Starks each voted to convict.
“He wasn’t even a man grown!” said one jury member, who voted to acquit. “You can’t hold the boy responsible for raping and murdering a few people at that age. If we all got into trouble for the people we assaulted as teenagers, you’d have to convict the whole court!”
“Seventeen is certainly a man grown where I come from,” said a dissenting member of the jury. “In the north we learn responsibility for our actions, and there is no expiration date for an evil deed. I will not rest unti…” Unfortunately this interview had to be cut short as the jury member we were speaking with accidentally fell onto a crossbow shaft and was killed.
Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy said in a statement that he could not support Baratheon, and that further investigations were called for. In unrelated news, Vermont is now under siege.
Most citizens reacted to the news with indifference, with some saying they didn’t care what the royals did as it didn’t affect their daily lives much, and others saying that they knew Baratheon would be acquitted either way.
“Twould seem that a man can get away with anything at seventeen now,” said one face in the crowd, “provided a man is a Lannister.”
[ed. note: Joffery is definitely a Baratheon, and not a Lannister, and we never said otherwise]
since people must be tried by juries of their peers, Ramsey Bolton, the White Walkers, and The Night’s King and the walkers of the walking dead are all evil enough to be Joffrey’s peers. In a moment of sagacity and foresight rare for villains, said jury realized that if they duped Vermonters by killing one of their own, then they would be free to continue their reign of terror. Consequently, said jury hanged Joffrey, drew and quartered him, staked him though the heart and sent him to Hell. Satan said, “Good God, this Joffrey is an affront to all demons!” whereupon Satan destroyed Hell and Joffrey’s soul along with it. Champ, pissed off that Satan’s hellfire threatened her watery home, ate Satan and the other jurors. She was last seen slithering her way back to DC, where she works as head of the EPA muttering something like, “And that’s how the Green Mountains neutralizes flatlanders!” indicating that her work for the Trump Administration may not mean the end of humanity after all, as one previous article speculated. After all, Trump IS a flatlander. The resistance has already sold out of Champ for President 2020 merch.