MONTPELIER – The State of Vermont unveiled a joint employment partnership with the Mafia this week called “Vermobsters.” Gov. Phil Scott held a joint press conference with mob matriarch Erna “Buckshot” Buck to announce the new program that will see increased employment opportunities for Vermont residents.
“We have to make the Mafia relevant again,” said Buck. “We’ve been stereotyped by The Godfather movies and The Sopranos that every Guido thinks he can just make up a nickname for himself and then climb the ranks by making the competition swim with the fishes, playing fast and loose with the local cash flow, an’ making dough off the liquor and ladies. Well, fuggedaboutit. That was the old macho Mob! This newly-rebranded twenty-first century Mob aims to recruit people of any gender into lucrative white-collar careers where shrewdness and merit will help the best and the brightest achieve the American dream.”
When asked whether “white collar careers” is in fact a euphemism for the “white collar crime” synonymous with the Mob, Governor Scott responded, “It’s a win-win. Vermont needs more attractive jobs to keep young people from leaving the state, and Erna’s six-figure career options provide Millennials with reasons to stay. In the past six months alone 72% of people under age 30 have turned down job offers from elsewhere when presented with the financial opportunities of Vermobsters. Besides, I’m not stupid enough to work with criminals. I’m a Republican!”
Buck added, “We’re giving on-site experience in things like combating cyberterrorism while pretending to be a cybersecurity expert, all forms of asset concealment, using sexual transactions to make a profit… the only thing criminal here is Millennials wasting their potential by not participating in Vermobsters. What a shame!”
When asked about opportunities for non-Millenials, Buck clarified, “We’re not ageist. We don’t just want the youth. Vermobsters has a program designed specifically to help those in midlife make successful transitions from outside jobs into positions with in the Mafia. The venture is named Middle Aged Growth Advancement (MAGA).”
Owen “Goldeneyes” Cash, 19, of Bennington said after the presentation, “There was no way I could afford college because student loan debt, “But thanks to Vermobsters’ paid internship program, I can be working for the Mafia as a Beginner Monetary Concealment Specialist in just six months.” When asked whether secreting money away is legal, Cash says, “Yes, I recently learned that it’s legal to hide your moolah from anyone who’d want to steal it. You know, like the IRS.”
MAGA participants are seemingly happy as well. Recently paralyzed and now using a wheelchair due to a shoot-out between rival gangs of retirees, Anna “Hotrod” Rolle, 71, welcomed the chance to go from drug selling to marksmanship. “I’ll get to off those nasty ol’ biddies who shot me. Er, I’ll get off to a lucrative career as an Asset Protection Specialist for Vermobsters.”
Gov. Scott said he hopes Vermobsters will prove to be an asset for everyone involved. Unless, we assume, you are one of the “ol’ biddies” that Hotrod is hunting. Apparently you folks now know who you are, and have been warned that “she’s coming for you.”
Image Credits: VTDigger.
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