BURLINGTON – Burlington resident Minny Driver is fed up with road work on her home street. “I’ve had to get the undercarriage of my Mini Cooper replaced three times since they began repaving,” she griped. She has grown increasingly angry in recent weeks as she starts off on her street, only to be transported to one of the many other Maple Streets in different towns across the state, all of which, she notes, seem to be under construction. “Yesterday I ended up on Maple Street in Rutland. Today it was Maple Street in Winooski. It’s really hurting my car and making it difficult for roadside assistance to locate me.”
When we here at The Winooski brought up the possibility of a state government transportation teleportation conspiracy, she scoffed, “You’ve been watching too much ‘Stranger Things.'”
Determined to prove her wrong, The Winooski contacted an official at Area 52, a room in the Statehouse which may or may not exist. A person whose nametag read Unidentifiable Source and whose features remained cloaked in darkness, told me through a voice distorter, “We are perfecting the process of vehicular teleportation with an unwitting subject known by the initials M. D.”
We here at The Winooski believe in informed consent when conducting clinical studies. We threatened to tell Ms. Driver everything, unless they explained to her what was going on and obtained written approval of her participation in the experiment.
It took a while for a very agitated Driver to be teleported to Maple Lane in Montpelier. By the time she got to Area 52, she rounded on The Winooski staffer and Unidentifiable Source. “What the **** is going on! I thought Area 52 didn’t exist! Mark my words, both of you are going to pay: for damages to my car AND my roadside assistance bills. Regardless, I’ll sic the Vermobsters on you! Me and Buckshot go way back!”
“D-Don’t call Erna Buck and her Jeezum Crows,” whimpered Unidentifiable Source. “We’ll take you out of the study and pay all your bills!” With supersonic hearing, this reporter can neither confirm nor deny that the mysterious official soiled themselves at Driver’s mention of the Mafia matriarch and her hench birds.
Then this reporter realized they could get more information. “What’s the point of connecting all the Maple Streets through use of sudden teleportation? It seems like a gimmicky way to deplete Vermonters’ savings with endless car repair and costly requests for roadside assistance to get them back on the right path. I mean, Triple A and tow truck drivers are gonna love this program when it goes statewide, but real hardworking citizens will be pissed. Imagine thousands of angry motorists, like Ms. Driver, invading the Statehouse. And for what? What exactly do you hope to achieve with this lunacy?”
“Good point,” mumbled Unidentifiable Source. “When the organizer of the St. Albans Maple Festival came to me saying that teleporting people to different Maple Streets around the State would help promote the event, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Trouble was, we couldn’t reliably teleport Ms. Driver and her Mini Cooper to Red Maple Way in St. Albans, where the Festival will be held in 2020. Of course, the 50K we received from the organizer certainly goes a long way toward ensuring that the teleportation goes smoothly by 2020.”
This reporter wondered, “Does the Governor know about these, um, donations from the Festival? Is this money trail legal?”
“No comment!” snapped Unidentifiable Source.
Driver piped up, “I want to know why every ****ing Maple Street I’ve been teleported to is under construction!”
“This is Vermont, Ms. Driver; our infrastructure has been falling apart from the moment we joined the Union.”