BURLINGTON – It’s not always a popular job, but writing parking tickets is an important one, according to traffic officer Hugh Jasshat. Jasshat prides himself on being the Burlington officer who writes the most parking tickets, and he says it is all thanks to his innovative methods.
“First of all,” Jasshat says, “you can’t be afraid to write tickets right away. Some people look at cars with their flashers on, or cars with the drivers still sitting in them, and they think maybe they’ll give them a break for a few minutes. but the law is the law. If I see a car with an inch of bumper over the sidewalk, they’re getting a ticket. If the vehicle stops moving for more than three seconds, I think we can agree it’s legally parked.”
Jasshat spends each day patrolling the area around Handy’s Lunch armed with chalk; a camera; and an electronic ticket printing machine; sometimes writing more than fifty tickets per day. Numerous complaints have come in about Jasshat from residents, and from visitors to the South End neighborhood that this one-man ticket writing machine likes to frequent, but as all of the concerns have come from people who were technically parked illegally, nothing much has come of it.
“I hide behind trees sometimes, or in dumpsters,” Jasshat said enthusiastically. “If people see me, they might steer clear, or park somewhere legally. I like to surprise ’em. Of course sometimes I just stand out on the sidewalk glaring at people driving by. Psych ’em out a little, you know? My favorite is when I wait by the meters and I see someone running down the sidewalk calling out that they are going to move, but then the meter runs out and they get to watch me write the ticket. I can tell you, they’ll think twice before visiting Burlington again. These folks who go over the meter limits are the scum of the earth, and we need to get rid of ’em. I’m not saying they’re all rapists and murderers, but they obviously have no respect for law and order, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you told me that most of ’em are.”