Democrats Planning to Win Election Without Voting

WINOOSKI – Members of the Democratic party in Vermont are so confident that they are going to sweep the upcoming election that they have decided that voting at this juncture would be superfluous. Polling indicates that incumbent Republican Governor Phil Scott is a lock to win re-election, but Democrats say they aren’t worried about that at all.

“If I’m honest with you, I don’t really know any Republicans,” said Winooski resident Sandy Hedden. “Everyone I know is voting a straight blue ticket, so I’m not concerned at all. This is Vermont. We’re very liberal here. How many Republicans can there even be? Eight? Nine? No, I did my part. I posted a lot of hilarious memes online, I put out my lawn sign for Christine, I told everyone I know how much Trump sucks, I feel like I’ve done what I can do at this point. I don’t need to go out and actually vote. What would be the point?”

Republicans across the state say that they may be planning to vote in record numbers, to prevent a blue wave from overtaking the country, but that hasn’t stirred everyone to action. Several confirmed young people have expressed disinterest in voting in general, and are not sweating the election.

“Nah, I’m just not into voting, you know?” said verified millenial Abby Theddik. “It’s not really my thing. I mean, I totally support Christine, but whoever’s in charge is just gonna f*** it up for the rest of us anyway, right? Don’t get me wrong, I’d way rather have a liberal in there than a conservative, but I feel like they’re gonna win anyway. I know for sure my neighbor Sandy Hedden is voting Democrat. You should see the yard signs and internet memes that come out of that house!”

“They make some good points,” said Republican Party chair Deb Billado. “We’ve pretty much already lost, so there’s no point in any of them even casting a ballot. They should definitely stay home.”

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