Vermont Air Guard Now Tasked With Retrieving Tony Stark

SOUTH BURLINGTON – News leaked this week that American hero Tony Stark has been stranded in space after a catastrophic mission failure, leading to a massive public outcry and demands that the United States begin rescue operations immediately. With their only other mission potentially compromised, the Vermont Air National Guard has been tasked with finding Stark and bringing him home safely to earth.

A video made public on Friday shows the last known message Stark recorded, in which he states that his food and water have run out and that his oxygen is failing. This leaves little time for the Vermont Air Guard to mount a rescue mission, but NASA has already shown support for this operation and is expected to assist the South Burlington-based team with their retrieval.

“It’s a tough time for sure,” said Captain Arthur S. Pace. “We only recently began the switchover from being the Air Guard to being the Space Force, plus we’re down to about half our recommended staffing numbers, although it seems like everybody is these days, ever since last spring. But we think we have a plan, and we’re confident we can get our man home. We’re putting together a team of folks with unique abilities.”

Space Force has already reached out to Bagel Man and the Chainsaw Angel but has not heard back. Other Vermonters with any type of major or minor superpower are encouraged to contact Captain Pace immediately.

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