WASHINGTON – While the full public release of the report has been blocked by Mitch McConnell and Senate Republicans, those who have read the entire Mueller Report are confirming that it exonerates US President Donald Trump from all charges of witchcraft and wizardry. President Trump has complained publicly about this so-called “witch hunt,” but his supporters can rest easy knowing that, while he may have obstructed justice, been illegally elected, and/or be a dangerous enemy of the United States of America, he is not now, nor has he ever been, a witch.
“It clearly absolves the president of all witchcraft,” said Attorney General William Barr in a lengthy summary of the report that the Trump administration hired him to write. “Yes, he did look like a witch, but only because Democrats dressed him up like one. That isn’t even his real hair. It’s false hair. It’s made from a carrot.”
Several key witnesses claiming to have been turned into newts by the administration were revealed to be non-newt humans, which was good news for the president, despite their claims that they “got better.” Another focal point of the investigation, that the president was made of wood and would therefore float, was proven wrong as well.
“We have a sworn statement from the president’s doctor,” Barr said in his summary, “which proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that the reason President Trump floats in water is due to the fact that he is made out of cheeseburgers. His health is at “Captain America” levels and his floating ability is unsurpassed, even by actual wood.” The summary also includes medical results showing that the president weighs far more than a duck, and in fact weighs approximately one hundred ducks.
The report does show strong evidence of collusion with the Russian government, but that is a matter for future administrations to sort out. For now, we can say with great relief that the witch hunt is over, and President Trump is confirmed to have no special powers of any kind.