Lincoln Reverses Course, Will Allow South to Secede

WASHINGTON – In a stunning turnaround that goes against everything he once fought for, former president Abraham Lincoln has announced that he regrets fighting to keep the southern states in the union. The statement was made by Lincoln in response to several archaic laws passed recently in Georgia and Alabama, giving rape victims who get abortions higher criminal sentences than their rapists.

Lincoln told press that the move will save the rest of the country billions of dollars, as most southern states receive more money back from the federal government than they pay in taxes. Four of the top five tax-imbalanced states are southern states, with North Carolina alone receiving almost $8 back from the federal government for every dollar they pay in taxes.

“It has become clear to me that, despite treaties signed and promises made, the Confederate states have never truly surrendered,” Lincoln said in his statement. “Their treasonous flags still fly, their bent toward the oppression of their fellow Americans continues unabated, and for all their talk of economics and taxes, they are bankrupting this country with their untenable positions and policies. I do not regret my actions in trying to maintain the union, but it has become clear to me now that they do not hold the values of freedom for all that bind our great nation together. Though I am no longer serving as your President due to my untimely death, I would encourage our current president, trusting that whosoever hold that office be a man of reason and good temper, to accept their secession with no further delay or conflict.”

A representative from the Confederate army acknowledged Lincoln’s remarks, but said only that any formal secession at this point would depend on the amount of foreign aid promised to them by the U.S.