The Winooski Urges Readers Not to Accept Second-Rate Satire

WINOOSKI – In what one disgruntled reader is touting as “the stunning un-doing of Vermont’s self-proclaimed ‘premiere, locally sourced, organic satire site’,” word is spreading of a potential competitor to The Winooski. You may be seeing comments or even separate posts by a publication we believe is calling itself “The Vitunguu.” We are uncertain as to the exact spelling, but we speculate it may be an acronym for “Vermont is turning under new gross unfortunate untruths.

The disgruntled reader’s identity is unknown, but The Winooski’s investigative reporter, Mada Llha (the second “l” is silent) says the publication may emanate out of a circle of state politicians, or Burlington business owners, or perhaps teenagers living in the Queen City’s New North End.

A number was provided to The Winooski which enabled us to make a contact. The number was to a burner phone, making it impossible to track either the location or the name of the person to whom we were speaking.

“I’m fed up with this crap,” said the individual on the other end of the line. “The last straw was your recent narcissistic piece about you being so ‘funny’ and so ‘not funny at all.’ Fact is,” continued the voice, “I don’t believe a word of what you print!” Repeated attempts to explain satire fell on hot ears. “We are coming for you,” shouted the voice into the phone. When asked to identify themselves, the individual sounded as if they exhaled loudly and then whispered ominously something that sounded like “VITUNGUU!

The call – and the entire incident – has been reported to the Burlington Police due to the threatening nature of the conversation. In the meantime we hope our readers won’t fall for any counterfeit or second rate copies of our work. Here at The Winooski we continue to be committed to the highest journalistic principles.

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