Homeland Security Called in to Deal With Foreign Mosquitoes

BARNET – Mosquitoes are rejoicing at the soggy conditions in Vermont this season, with mosquito tourism up by over 23% as compared to last year at this time. But not all of the insects have been approved to visit the state, and now the US Department of Homeland Security has been called in to assist ICE in rounding up, sorting, and potentially deporting some of the visiting bugs.

“It’s been a long 8 months of winter, and they’re hungry,” said VT security liaison Deepa Ortem. “We only have so many natural resources for the mosquitoes here in Vermont. Out population is declining. We barely have enough blood for the bugs we’ve got, much less for these illegal mosquito aliens.”

Aside from concerns about food supply, officials are also watching for bugs that may be carrying foreign diseases that could spread quickly through the state if not caught in time.

“Checkpoints have been set up at random to screen any mosquitoes that look they don’t belong here,” Ortem said. “You know, different shaped abdomen, darker wing color, that sort of thing. We don’t want any of those s***hole diseases here, like Zika and malaria; just our native ones like the encephalitis viruses that we all know and love.”

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