US Women’s Soccer Team Agrees to Wear Prosthetic Penises in Exchange for Higher Salaries

CHICAGO – After winning the Women’s World Cup this week the US Women’s National Soccer Team may be getting a rise in salary, thanks to public outcry over the fact that their paychecks are lower than that of their male counterparts on the men’s team. FIFA has agreed to increase the women’s pay to match their fellow male players if the women agree to wear prosthetic penises while playing in official games and practices.

A spokesperson for FIFA released a statement suggesting that the penis plays an important role in soccer, especially in the key areas of finance and locker room assignments, and they would be happy to pay the extra “penis bonus” if the women were willing to simply wear false penises, which would then increase their ability to play soccer for decent money.

“I feel like it would be kind of distracting,” said midfielder Samantha Mewis. “Would it really make me play better to have something slapping against my thigh the whole game? They say it will, and I guess we could try it for a while. I mean, we’re talking about a lot of money here.”

“How big are they going to be?” asked forward Alex Morgan. “Because a lot of times they say it’s going to be one size, and then it’s actually very different in reality. If it’s as small as a normal penis, I guess I could just tuck it away, but I worry that whoever is picking them out is going to mis-remember how big an actual penis is. I’m just saying, that seems to happen a lot.”

There has been no decision yet as to how to handle the salaries if only some of the women agree to wear the “Mock Cocks,” as they are being called. FIFA officials say that they will worry about that if it happens, but that they are confident that this proposal will solve all of the gender inequality issues in the sport of soccer. “Seems like a perfect solution to me,” said one spokesperson who was coincidentally a man. “I can’t imagine why anyone would not do it!”

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1 Comment

  1. How utterly absurd and classless. Grow up ladies. Disgusting and vile. There are lawyers who can fight this you don’t need all these immature histrionic weird gestures. My guess is Megan Rapinoe is behind this. It’s her fantasy. EEEWWW she’s nasty. Yuk. A stain on the US team. Disgraceful and TOXIC ENERGY TO TEAM reputation.

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