GRAND ISLE – It seems as though this year mosquitoes are enjoying a bounty harvest of human blood for their ongoing feast of evil, but one local mosquito says that it has become almost impossible to find a new spot for biting. With so many bugs and so many bites, Dr. Vlad Acula says that he is often unable to find an inch of flesh, human or otherwise, that has not already been bitten.
“What you want is a nice, flat, smooth surface to land on,” says Dr. Acula, “and a beautiful, untouched bit of skin to sink your proboscis into, you know? You’re not trying to land on a bumpy landscape of irritated mammal hide full of previous pop-up restaurants. But every creature I see has so many bites already, that it’s becoming more and more difficult to find even a tiny spot free from the bites of my friends and extended family.”
The plight of the hungry mosquito has not been helped by the fact that many resident of Grand Isle, where Dr. Acula lives and feeds, have started wearing hazmat suits when they leave their houses as protection against the hungry swarms. While admitting to having no perfect solution to the problem, the hungry doctor does have some advice.
“Eat less,” says Dr. Acula. ‘It’s as simple as that. The rate at which we are consuming the blood of humans is just not sustainable, but if we eat a little less in general, and eat larger portions at fewer times throughout the day, it will conserve the flesh for others and will hopefully lead to a more sustainable food economy for all of us.”
The mosquito community has not responded well to Dr. Acula’s ideas so far, with many claiming that mammals are infinite, increasing in number, and recyclable. “Maybe humans do have more mosquito bites these days,” said one mosquito, “but I don’t see any proof at all that it is caused by mosquitoes.”