Vermont to Introduce Water-Based Internet Access

PANTON – The state of Vermont has announced a new plan to provide internet access to all residents via a new water-based internet technology. Using a special device that will be available to all Vermonters free of charge, anyone can dip a small metal bauble into any lake, river, stream, or toilet, plug the other end into their device via a USB port, and have access to state-provided internet.

A new facility is being built on the banks of Lake Champlain in Panton, VT that will house the servers and be the home-base for all state internet. Places not connected directly to the waters and internet of the lake will soon be joined via a series of updated canals, re-popularized by a recent VTDigger piece that spoke about what a bad idea it would be to build canals, and why we abandoned them in the first place.

“We’re very excited to finally bring internet to everyone in Vermont,” said project manager Tex Apparte. “I think it will really get people back into nature as they go online. And at home, well, the toilet is the place we use our devices most anyway, so it’s really a perfect system. Really gives new meaning to live streaming!”

The devices, informally called USBuoys, will also be compatible with adapters allowing all brands of mobile devices to connect to the new system. The state hopes to have everything ready to roll out in 2020, once they work the kinks out of the system.

“We’re not 100% there,” Apparte admitted. “There are a few bugs to work out, notably mayflies and dragonflies, and some tests have shown a potential issue in the winter, where computers freezing has been a problem. But we’re confident that we can overcome these small hurdles and get everyone connected to the World Wide Wet!”

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