MONTPELIER – As America struggles with which inaction to take after a particularly deadly week for gun violence, Republican Governor Phil Scott of Vermont has announced plans to ban the wearing of pants in the state. The ban would include trousers, breeches, britches, pants, leggings, pantsuits, and skorts.
“The data is clear,” Gov. Scott said in a press conference Tuesday evening. “We can find no other link, no common denominator between all of these white, male, conservative, Trump-supporting, gun-loving maniacs. No, they have nothing in common other than the fact that they were all wearing pants. Now, did the pants make them murderers? Or are murderers just more likely to wear pants? It’s unclear, but these are desperate times and we are willing to literally try anything except gun legislation.”
“Kilts will be fine,” the governor said, responding to questions from the press. “And you will notice not one of these mass murderers was wearing a skirt or a dress, so those are okay too. And I’m not stupid. I know there will be pushback. But it just makes sense. Jesus never wore pants, and now I think we know why.”
State Democrats have vowed to fight this proposed ban, despite Governor Scott’s repeated assertions that anyone opposing this measure automatically loves murder and hates America.