Trump Vows to Nuke Hurricanes and Make Atlantis Pay For It

WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump is firing back against reports that he claimed he would use nuclear weapons to protect the country from hurricanes. He now says that the quotes were taken out of context, as he would never use taxpayer dollars on such an international strategy. Instead, he now claims that when the US fires nukes at large storms, it will be on the dime of the Atlantean taxpayers.

“Listen to me people,” President Trump said, “That thing about shooting US nuclear weapons at hurricanes? Fake news. I never said it. The liberal media is taking things I said and twisting them, as usual. What I said was, we’re going to use Atlantean nukes, and we’re going to keep American safe. And why would Atlantis use their nukes to protect us? Because, believe me, I know more about Atlantis than probably anyone on the planet, and I’m also the greatest businessman who ever lived. And that’s not just me saying that, that was was written in print on that magazine cover that Ivanka gave me for Christmas and is currently hanging on the wall of my office. No, it’s true. I’ll show you.”

The King of Atlantis was not available for comment, but a representative of the Lake Champlain mer-people in Vermont has indicated that, in addition to not actually having or desiring nuclear capabilities, the underwater kingdoms would not support any measures that would keep humans alive.

“You treat our home like a landfill,” said Merr E’en, of the Champlainia Merstate. “Whole species are dying out, and still you humans continue to consume and destroy. We’re actually working on a device to strengthen hurricanes right now, in the hopes of saving the planet by removing most of the humans. So no, we won’t be paying for any American storm bombs.”

The White House continues to dispute everything reportedly said by the president, the mer-people, the news media, and the White House.

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