BURLINGTON – With strong support from Gerber and Playskool, the Progressive Party in Burlington has introduced a new resolution that would lower the voting age to zero. Prog councilor Kerri Freewoman announced the initiative at a daycare center amid the sound of crying babies. “Look, this is a marginalized constituency whose voice hasn’t been heard and has been silenced for too long,” said Freewoman. Struggling to make her point over the din, Freewoman turned to the daycare owner, “Can’t you shut those things up for a minute? I’m trying to talk here.” Freewoman continued, “Allowing babies to vote will give Burlington an important perspective. We’re calling the proposal Infant Runoff Voting, IRV.”
Reached for comment inside a Mamava nursing pod, a spokesperson for the Coalition for Infant Justice, Dr. Dee Dypress, lauded the idea. She noted that adults, teenagers, and middle-schoolers have been running things for too long and screwing everything up. “Glurg,” agreed the excited soon-to-be-voter she was holding to her chest, giving a thumbs up sign.
The AARP strongly decried the proposal. “We don’t think you should even vote unless you can show an AARP membership card at the polls,” said newly-appointed Vermont AARP director Knodell Bushor.
Mayor Miro Weinberger offered that the proposal isn’t necessary. “The city council is already full of babies voting on things,” he said.
A Coalition for Fetal Justice spokesperson said the proposal is a step in the right direction but doesn’t go far enough. “What about us?” she is reported to have said from the womb, said a doctor using a stethoscope.
Councilor Freewoman said she and her fellow Progs plan to formally introduce the measure right after naptime.