America Spends Day Trying to Be More Like Christ Financially

WINOOSKI – In a nation that has firm boundaries on the separation between church and state, most of America spent December trying to become as poor as Christ by spending all of their money on gifts. While spending too much cash on presents isn’t exclusive to the Christian religion, the fact that it happens on a day named after Jesus Christ seems to indicate a communal desire to become more Christ-like in the wallet department.

Jesus Christ, depending on your religious views, is either the savior of humankind, a smart prophet, a normal dude, or a fairy tale. But regardless of which belief you hold, all can agree that he was excessively poor, and encouraged others to be poor as well. In these modern times, even after many of the spiritual trappings of Christmas have been shed by an increasingly agnostic society, Christ’s call to give away everything we have seems to be the most important part of the tradition.

“I’ll pay my rent later,” said Winooski resident Noah Setts. “This time of year just makes me want to splurge a little on my friends and family. Jesus didn’t pay rent. He didn’t pay his electric bill either. What would Jesus do? Um, not pay the phone bill, that’s for sure.”

While many admit to falling behind financially during the holiday season, there is some hope on the horizon. According to statistics, with careful planning and saving, most Americans will be able to see some sort of financial resurrection sometime around Easter.

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