NORTH HERO – The party seemed to be going well, but the hostess was nervously eyeing the hors d’oeuvres table with a rising sense of panic. Guests passed by, snapping up mini quiches, bacon wrapped shrimp, and buttery puff pastries filled with a cream cheese and spinach filling, but several of the platters appeared to be almost untouched.
“What am I going to do with all this crap?” hostess Neve Reagan whispered angrily to her husband, who was happily consuming some swedish meatballs. “Nobody’s going to eat any of it!”
Reagan had made several dishes specifically vegan-friendly when her friend Lida Boudette had RSVP’d yes to the event. Boudette, who is also gluten-free, has been vegan for almost a decade, and had been very clear about it when accepting the invitation. Unfortunately, two hours before the party, Regan had received a text of apology, but it was too late to change the menu.
“Oh, I’m sure it’s all good,” said one party-goer, as he snagged a mini-sausage with a toothpick. “It all looks great. I just have my favorites I guess. No, nothing against vegan food. I’m sure someone will eat it.”
“No one’s eating it!” lamented Reagan, as she herself took one bite of a vegan cheese ball with nutritional yeast and then placed the rest of it in her napkin. “I’m going to kill Lida.” Reagan then grabbed a regular cheese ball and shoved the whole thing into her mouth at once.
“It’s not that it’s not good,” Reagan’s husband said through a mouthful of salami on a cracker, “it’s just that, you know, when you put it next to, you know, the real thing, I mean, come on, right?”
Boudette returned our calls for comment, and said she was sorry to miss the party, but she was glad vegan options were available. She then promised to be very angry about this article if we were to post it publicly, and accused us of not caring about animals, the environment, the planet, morality, or the human condition.