CARSON CITY – After topless protesters took the stage at a Bernie Sanders rally this week, other presidential candidates are crying foul, saying they want topless protesters at their own rallies. Mike Bloomberg hinted that price was no object, and that his supporters might have some “fun surprises” coming up at future rallies.
“Whoa,” said a young male Buttegieg supporter who is now switching his support to Bernie after watching the video of the topless women pouring water and paint over themselves to protest a recent Winooski article they claimed was insensitive to vegans. “Other candidates talk about free stuff, but Bernie actually delivers. If this is democratic socialism, count me in!”
Some “Bernie Bros” interviewed at the rally quietly admitted that those were the first real boobs they’ve ever seen, but they hope to see more in the future. Several local women mentioned that this would be unlikely unless they stopped harassing people online.
President Trump was reportedly fuming at the attention Bernie’s rally received and has demanded that his staff arrange for topless protesters at all of his rallies and at next year’s State Of The Union address at the Capitol. “I didn’t know that was an option!” Trump shouted. “I’m going to issue an executive order.”
Sources close to the Sanders campaign are reporting that Bernie is concerned that much of the attention surrounding the incident is somewhat misogynistic, and that he feels women should not be objectified in this manner. Although other sources say he is considering asking “Topless Tulsi” Gabbard to be his running mate in the hopes it will boost his numbers.
So, what does Elizabeth Warren have to fight back with?
Unlike Bernie, she has a plan for how to pay for free boob shows.