Burlington Police Passing Out “Essential Person” Wristbands

BURLINGTON – In an effort to differentiate between those who are not in violation of essential activity in the Queen City, police are issuing blue wristbands to those people deemed “essential.” The bands are difficult to be counterfeited as police are using their new $179.999.99 laser printer to manufacture them. In fact, police issued civil tickets to five guys standing outside of Five Guys Restaurant one hour prior to the restaurant opening, none of whom met the “essential worker” criteria as set forth by the Governors office.

The “No Wristband-Zero Tolerance” policy was the brainchild of law enforcement consultant Justin Bookem, who suggested that the wristbands were preferable to the proposed tattoos. “With so many people wearing masks, officers need a better way to identify ‘Essential People’ who are out and about,” said City Councilor Handy Kuffer. “We have to realize that not everyone is essential. Philosophically, ‘Those who get the virus are not essential. Those who treat them are!’ is our policy.”

Over at police headquarters they report no shortage of wristbands, but a major decline in civil ticket books. A line was seen outside of headquarters as those seeking the wristbands stood less than six feet from each other. All of those in line were ticketed for violating the ten or more gathering law.

City Officials are planning a Zoom Informative on the “No Wristband-Zero Tolerance” policy. The city is considering a yellow wristband for those determined to be moderately or somewhat essential. The A.C.L.U. was preparing a statement on what they call “gross constitutional violations” until they were all jailed themselves for being non-essential.

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