WINOOSKI – A stunning announcement has rocked the medical world this week, as it was revealed that the current deadly plague of Covid-19 can be cured with CBD Oil, and held at bay by smoking marijuana. This discovery came from a woman in Winooski, VT who has reported that she smokes weed “pretty much every day” and does not “got the ‘Rona.”
Medical researchers have been unable to duplicate the results in a laboratory setting, noting that CBD oil seems to have no effect whatsoever on the novel coronavirus, other than to slow it down slightly. This slightly slowing is counteracted by the fact that the virus then seems to get uncommonly hungry, so while it moves more slowly, it snacks on cells more frequently.
“Whatever, course they’d say that,” said the Winooski pothead. “Big Pharma, man. F***in’ Big Pharma. They don’t want you to know! If you knew what I know, you’d never take another medicine again. The only medicine you need is right here in this joint. Cures everything. I’m still here, ain’t I? What more proof do you need?”
The woman, nicknamed “Typhoid Mary Jane,” also informed us that cannabis is a 100% cure for cancer, epilepsy, diabetes, acne, depression, back pain, insomnia, narcolepsy, halitosis, and death. It was at this point in the interview that she coughed directly into her bare hands and attempted to move closer than six feet from our reporter, who had to jump away quickly to avoid the potential disease carrier, who was not even wearing a facemask.
“What’s your problem, man?! I told you, I’m immune! Don’t you even know about science, bro?”
The illuminati overlords at the CDC and WHO continue to ask all citizens to continue social distancing, and do not advise anyone to take excess amounts of CBD oil to combat Covid-19.
Is Typhoid Mary Jane running for Governor? I’d, like, totally vote for her, bro. She totally understands, like, science and stuff.