Burlington Opens Beaches, Requires Full PPE Suits

BURLINGTON – In a first in the Nation move, Burlington Parks & Recreation Inspector General MiMi McGarrett states, “We have mandated full body PPE in an effort to cut down on red algae exposure as well was water borne COVID-19 potentials.” Visitors can purchase full suits at kiosks at the entrances to the beachfronts.

Lifeguard Darren “Boogey” Board added, “Another benefit is that now social distancing will not be necessary.”

Over at the Burlington Bikini & Speedo Shop, owner Sonny Burnes has concerns about sales of suntan lotion dropping and stagnant sales of the new Zebra Mussel Speedo Line. “People won’t have to wear anything under the PPE,” he commented. “Our line of Champlain Remora bikinis will never get off the shelves.”

Deputy Assistant to the Deputy Assistant Health Commissioner Colin Vid LNA says his departments view is, “The order is an incredible idea and it should be extended to pools and hot tubs, as well as multi person use bath tubs. Vermont will lead the nation in protecting citizens. Shoreline bee stings will be minimized as well as bug bites.”

Vid pointed to bug bite statistics showing a 60 percent increase in 2019 over 2018. Shelburne company PPE Technologies has completed development of PPE with swim fins following extensive testing by three Burlington Life Guards. All but one have been released from the Colchester Center For Respiratory Arrest.

Burlington Porta-Potty Rental owner Aucky Pied predicts a financial loss for his firm as “People won’t use our pottys as they can take it home with them. We recognize it may help clean up the lake and allow people to swim in the CSO’s after rainstorms but it will drain our business.” Somewhat reliable sources say the suits will retail between $35 to $75 based on size. They are reusable and come with a disinfection carry bag as it is not recommended swimmers drive home, walk home or bicycle home in them.

Calls to other Burlington area beaches outside the Queen City show a dramatic rise in non-residential season passes.

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1 Comment

  1. I’d like to double my Patreon amount, but I’m still jumping through hoops to complete my Pandemic Unemployment Assistance application…cuz for some undisclosed reason I don’t qualify for regular Unemployment.
    But this suit will be handy as my condo pool WILL open this summer (sorry, no guests allowed)

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