WASHINGTON – Temporary President Donald Trump has taken to Twitter to rage against his supporters for not voting by mail. As mail-in ballots are counted, his leads have shrunk or completely evaporated in many key states. Very few of his supporters chose to vote by mail, to the point where it almost seems as if someone high up specifically instructed them not to.
“I’m not a big fan of conspiracy theories,” tweeted noted conspiracy theorist Trump, “but this can’t be a coincidence. Who told my supporters not to vote by mail? Fraudulent DEMS!”
TP Trump, who has for months been telling his supporters that voting by mail was unsafe, unsavory, and un-American, is demanding that his supporters be given a second chance to vote through the mail.
“LIBS had inside knowledge that mail-in votes were going to work, even after I stole their mailboxes. Not fair! I urge true patriots to get another ballot and mail it in today! If they want to count every vote, let’s give them more votes to count! ONLY FAIR!”
Twitter and Facebook have started blocking or amending the posts of the Temporary President, and most news media outlets have stopped showing his press conferences after he opened his last one by mooning the press and telling America to “**** off.”
Sources inside the White House say that TP Trump is legitimately confused about how this could be happening, and say he has no recollection of ever saying that voting by mail was a bad idea. “It’s kind of sad, actually,” said one anonymous source, whose identity could not be revealed as they fear a possible beheading, “but I think he actually doesn’t know why this is happening.”
When asked if he had a back-up plan for after Joe Biden was sworn in in January, TP Trump looked suddenly nervous and walked to the corner of the room to make a phone call on a burner flip phone. In unrelated news, ten minutes later Vladmir Putin announced he would be stepping down as the leader of Russia starting in January to “help out a good friend.”